30th May 2002 - Jokes Installment 2

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place. First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That
is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to play the hole when they realise that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they
ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said: "Golf course or intercourse?" And she said: "Wear a
sweater..."

A man is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says: "Say, we're about evenly
matched, how about we play for a $5 a hole?" The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers. The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says: "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro says:
"Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest says: "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

A 70-year-old man went to see his doctor for his monthly physical. The doctor asked the man how he was feeling and the older man replied: "Great, my 34-year-old wife is pregnant and I'm going to be a father. What do you think of that?" The doctor said: "Let me tell you a story. One day I
was walking through the woods with my umbrella. Then all of a sudden a big black bear jumped out of nowhere so I pointed my umbrella at the bear, yelled "BANG," and the bear fell dead. How do you think that bear died?" The older man thought for a moment then said: "Well, somebody else must have shot that bear." The doctor nodded and said: "My point exactly".

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends: "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps: "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly: "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'. The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say: "My God...."